Chasing by Danny Gokey
Words of Wisdom
Psalm 139 GNT
Lord, you have examined me and you know me. 2 You know everything I do; from far away you understand all my thoughts. 3 You see me, whether I am working or resting; you know all my actions. 4 Even before I speak, you already know what I will say. 5 You are all around me on every side; you protect me with your power. 6 Your knowledge of me is too deep; it is beyond my understanding. 7 Where could I go to escape from you? Where could I get away from your presence?
8 If I went up to heaven, you would be there; if I lay down in the world of the dead, you would be there. 9 If I flew away beyond the east or lived in the farthest place in the west, 10 you would be there to lead me, you would be there to help me. 11 I could ask the darkness to hide me or the light around me to turn into night, 12 but even darkness is not dark for you, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are the same to you.
13 You created every part of me; you put me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because you are to be feared; all you do is strange and wonderful. I know it with all my heart. 15 When my bones were being formed, carefully put together in my mother’s womb, when I was growing there in secret, you knew that I was there — 16 you saw me before I was born. The days allotted to me had all been recorded in your book, before any of them ever began. 17 O God, how difficult I find your thoughts; how many of them there are! 18 If I counted them, they would be more than the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.
“If you knew who walked beside you at all times, on the path that you have chosen, you could never experience fear or doubt again.” ― Wayne W. Dyer
If you knew how deeply you were connected. You’d know you are never alone. – Me 🙂
I’ve wasted so much time chasing all the things I thought would fulfill me. Love, approval, attention. Only to be upset and disappointed. When conventional notions didn’t take, I turned to sex, poor decisions and my favorite drug of choice – food. Which only left me feeling more isolated, with a larger waist and basement level self-esteem. As a recovering people pleaser, I reflect on my formative years with disdain and chagrin. Willing myself into shapes, places and expectations that only served to bend and eventually break me completely. If you wanted a good girl, here I am. Standing on tip toes begging to be seen, affirmed but mostly just heard. I wanted so desperately to be heard. Negotiating the familial landscape of abuse, alcoholism, sexual molestation & mental illness under the auspice of fragile, fractured and fickle parents left me understandably devastated. I landed headlong into adulthood as a single parent, with no identity and even poorer coping skills. Depression, anxiety and self-loathing were my bedfellows. They walked with me closer than a brother. In my lowest hours, I just kept thinking, there has got to be more to life than this. This cannot be it. The litany of tears and why-me’s would have worn out the kindest soul. I was lost.
I spent years chasing a notion of acceptance from people who didn’t even like themselves. I spent countless hours trying to prove that my voice had value. I’d show up and shrink away wearing rejection like an albatross about my neck. Dismissing my contribution before another could, words choked in my throat. Never daring to be set free. Thankfully however inside me, long ago was planted the seeds of my faith. I suppose they were watered by my tears and germinated in the soul of recrimination. Nonetheless they grew. When I dared to shut off the voices of doubt and disdain in my mind, I thought I could hear a whisper. It was the still, small voice of my creator. I have dismissed, denounced and rejected his presence more times then my shame could bear witness to. But His persistence is unyielding. God waited for me!
Oh the irony of searching all around for a someone or something to ease the isolation and make me feel complete and all along God walked right beside me. Chasing peace when he stood with arms wide open offering life and life everlasting. I began to talk with God. Unclear if it was truly His voice or that of my own longing. I met with him early in the day and began to feel my strength returning. The negative tape running in my head began to skip and stutter as God interrupted the lies with gentle truth and unconditional love, offering me instead words that edified and built me up. God told me I was LOVED! I was already loved, I didn’t have to earn it from another living soul. God told me I was beautiful and I that was already more than enough. God embraced me in ways an orphaned child needed. He was my Daddy God and he loved me more than life. I was so precious to him that while I was stuck in my sin, making choices that grieved God, before I even acknowledged his presence in my life; he had already made a way for me to be redeemed. I was worth dying for. I was worth the cross.
I began to speak and live and walk in these declarations and old situations began to not fit this new Deitra. I outgrew some places, habits and probably the hardest change… People. I was once asked how did I know it was the Lord speaking and not some IDK fit of fantasy. The answer came to me ever so clearly…. “Because I would never speak that kindly to myself.”
I’m fat, I laugh too loud, still insecure at times but I’m loved. I taller than most men, my eyesight is getting worst, I sometime still doubt the value of my input, but I’m loved. I have big feet and a voracious appetite for art, culture and creative outlets. I love recklessly and often too hard. I pour myself into projects and fizzle sometimes before finishing. I’m educated yet will still swear if the spirit strikes. I enjoy wine and whiskey from time to time. Oh how I can be a demanding person or exacting boss. I’m flawed and challenged and still growing every single day, because I know that I know that I know I am loved!
Every single day I open my eyes on this side of heaven is a reminder that grace and mercy walk with me, the Holy Spirit covers me and that my God is not finished with my life. There is power in my pain and the sharing of my scars will encourage another to be set free. Not one thing you’ve gone through will be wasted. God will use it in ways you’ve never imagined. I believe that my story will help someone else to stop chasing stuff and turn instead towards the one who can heal all your concerns. Turn towards our patient, tenacious, unrelenting Daddy that declares his love for you in the most audacious fashion. Sit in silence and lean into the soft utterances of his voice. He will speak. He will guide you and direct you if you’re brave enough to stop running and be still.
In case no one has ever told you… You are Loved. Your past, pain, sin or current situation does not define your destiny. God can use it all.
Lord I want to hear from you. Open my heart to hear your voice. Lord I’m so tired of running after things, people and stuff. Show me the holes in my life that only your love can fill. Give me the courage to turn and chase after the life you have called me to have. Daddy I am so sorry for my disobedience, please forgive me. I want to know you more intimately and walk this life you’ve given me in a way that honors and gives you glory. Lord I stand here in the pit of my despair boldly declaring that I’m coming out, holding on to my Father’s hand. Lord I will live for you, just please help me feel you in my heart. Thank you for everything. Thank you for never giving up on me.
- I am Loved
- I am pursued
- It is in my surrender that my healing and growth begins
- I am chasing after the one who loves me best