So I’m dating, and honestly the correct statement should be I’m attempting to date. This past weekend my ex blew into town under the guise of me seeing his son, whom I adore. This “surprise” visit off balanced me and had me catching feelings and tolerating circumstances, I had long ago buried, or so I thought. I am also on these dating apps, and frankly they make it hard for a woman not to lose faith straight away. But when I’m real quiet and attuned to my internal barometer, it’s not that hard at all. Within moments and I mean moments I know. Now I often dribble away my precious commodity of time by “giving them a shot” or “seeing what they’re on” but I “knew” all alone.
What does these occurrences teach me? Well this weekend I learned to stop second guessing that knee-jerk, gut wrenching first response within. For it is usually the moment when the Holy Spirit speaks clearest to me. Now I know there are schools of religious thought that range from “don’t date, get busy in the church” to “just do what you want & ask God to bless YOUR choice” kind of dogma. I’m not sure what the right approach is or if there is a one size fits all for today’s young single Christians. What I do know, is that it doesn’t have to be miserable as long as you keep God First.
For so long I wanted to be coupled to meet my own needs of insecurity, unworthiness and lovelessness. For the first time, I desire to be a wife to bring honor to my husband but more than anything, advance the work of God through our union. Marriage is a gift. It is lovely and beautiful. But a Godly marriage requires two whole people so in love with God that the light of their shared faith and devotion to him will shine all the Glory to our Savior. Together they are a force of Nature; restoring the broken, mending the wounded, nurturing the orphaned, living and being Love. They are partners on the mission field to serve God in greater more profound ways, not assuage their wounded places or advance personal agendas.
God throughout my life has always been with me. He loves me, he has never forsaken me. He has smoothed out the rough consequences of the choices I’ve made. He’s been faithful when I spat at him and wore my rejection of his sacrifice like my smooth brown skin. As I’ve grown older, I have sought him with a ferocity unlike my formative years. I have glimpsed his vision for my life and tasted the goodness that He is. In return for my faithlessness and disparagement he made me his bride and gave me his peace. God is so so Good.
SO this weekend after the ex-hurricane blew away, I felt that I had been in a battle. Mentally drained fatigued through and through. I looked at my teenage son, whose soul is often older then my own and mused that if my ex’s effort was to “win” me back he actually only cemented my resolve to never go down that road again. I’m exhausted! Later as I thought on that visit and the string of “app” suitors, I realized how profoundly I had changed. This stirring that my ex had brought up in my spirit or the uncomfortable heady exchanges with would-be suitors all served as guideposts that I was moving away from my truth, raising my internal thermostat and surrendering my peace.
I looked over through heavy eyes at the young man who shared my face and said, though I’m not sure from where, “he’s not healthy for me.” Then more to myself than aloud, “I don’t want this.” To which he replied… “And you don’t have to, that’s why you have your own house!” Those words went right through me! He’d given the sermon, it was time to collect the offering.
Yes I do have my house of brick and mortar with reasonably sufficient locks to stave off my ex and sorry suitors alike but there’s another house. It is the house my soul inhabits. I have a home within, filled with the precious peace of my Savior and to take on any resident that lives differently is to effectively evict my God. I have a home, made of peace and joy, landscaped with grace and mercy and mortgaged through broken flesh and spilt blood. For the first time in my life, God is the most important thing in my life. His Presence in my Home, his Power in my Life and his Peace in my Soul are all non-negotiable.
So I’ll still work in the church. I’ll still app date (though my block button finger is strong lol). But the filter through which I “do life” has changed. God has given me beauty for ashes… My husband wherever he is, will compliment this peace I have. For he too will know intimately the God of reconstruction.
What’s your nonnegotiable? Where is your line in the sand? What won’t you surrender for what you think you want? God will never leave you or forsake you, can you say the same towards him? I couldn’t but today, wanting and choosing to be better serves as a marker of progress in the right direction.
Be Blessed my Friends…
I wish you unquenchable, uncompromising, nonnegotiable Peace.